Four things that are currently running my life right now. Four things are portrayed in a derogatory manner. My heart beats rapidly, but steadily. What's waiting in life? Time can only tell.
Insomnia often stirs anxiety for me. It gives me quiet time to over think and potentially over react to things. This is when I'm at my most vulnerable time. This is the time I feel that I lose all power and control I have in my life. Fear settles in. I'm nauseated. Fear is what motivates me. Fear is what holds me back. My fear of failure is a large black cloud over my head. Determined to be the best of the best, I'll wait for no one, that includes my best friends and family. In my own mind, I've started at default, behind my friends. Discouragement is a constant daily struggle.
Control. I need control of my life. I need control of small little details in my life. I need control of where I'm going. I need to be in control of everything. Well, not everything, as much as reasonable. As of lately, I feel like I'm losing control, but it's not such a bad thing. Frightening at times, but not terrifying. Pleasing, but not to the point of content.
Power. Power goes hand in hand with control. At the time of my late night vulnerability, all power is lost. It also seems like control is lost. When the sun rises and I wake up, all power will hopefully be back in my hands.
Love. What is it? Out of the four, love conquers all. All power and control are lost. Fear sets in, at times, irrationally. Reminders of risk taking in life eases some of the fear...but now, there's so much more to lose. Power, control, emotions, physical well being...it can all be crushed and thrown aside like a paper bag in the wind within the blink of an eye. Love is power, control, and fear all balled up in an amazing package.
I don't know why I wrote this. The end?...
-Michelle
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