Insecurities

The nights have been endless, the pain is unbearable, and the only thing I can say is, I'm too numb.  I've let my insecurities get in the way of an amazing relationship.  I miss him. I love him. And I'll never be able to love that same love again. A true, honest, raw, give him my whole life, type of love. He's a man I would gladly give my life for, he's just that special.

In the last few days, a flood of bad luck just came my way.  I'm terrorized by my health, heart broken by my stupidity, and antagonized by my impatience.  All of which, can be a part of my insecurities list. Let's get started shall we?

I'm insecure being in my own skin.
-I got fat and stop taking good care of my skin.  It's time to reverse that.
I'm insecure in relationships.
-I'm afraid of being hurt, so I often hurt before I get hurt.  Very wrong thing to do. I wish I could do it all over.
I'm insecure when it comes to waiting.
-My adrenaline kicks in whenever I have to wait for something.  I feel like if I have to wait, then it won't be what it needs to be. I wish I was more patient with him.
I'm insecure in a professional setting.
-This might not be so bad being insecure in...I excel in what I do and am always on top of my game. My insecurity really is them being able to find someone better than me. But pfft...I'm the best of the best!
I'm insecure being myself.
-Many people know me for ME.  But they don't know the real fragile me that puts up this tough front. I've always been that cold hearted bitch, but I'm really not that cold.
I'm insecure spending time with my peers.
-I grew up too fast.  What my peers are doing now is what I did at 15-18. I hate spending time with people my age because I don't enjoy doing what they do.  Yet the next generation up are all focused in honing in on their careers, which I'm already doing, but not quite as ready for their "get married, have kids" sort of deal.
I'm insecure expressing, using, and understanding feelings.
-I've lost my ability to feel and improvise in life as it goes.  I've gotten accustomed to living life like a text book, and I've learned the hard way, life is not a text book. Relationships is not something I can read out of a book and follow directions for. I lost the most important person in my life because of this.
I'm insecure period!
-I am a jealous, obsessive, and selfish person.  I want him all to myself and not to share with anyone in the entire world.  Except maybe his family and close friends.

I miss him so much.

Welcome back, Blogspot. This is Me.
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