Wedding Dress

There are scary moments in life and there are times where you look back in life and you are terrified of what you did. It didn't seem so scary when you were going through it, but with time and age, you realize it almost was your biggest downfall.

The scariest time in my life wasn't when I got in a major car accident, partied days on end, or having drama out on the school yard. It was when I accepted the ring and said "yes" and shortly there after, when I got the Wedding Dress.

What was going on through that little head of mine?
Was it love?
Was it being naive?
Was this another challenge?
Was it an obligation?
Was it stupidity?
Was it just another mile stone I wanted to knock out of my life?

Up until recently, I was convinced it was all the above. Since then, I've concluded that it was all the above, except for love. I was a devoted person, but going through the movements just wasn't enough. I waited until the very last second. I waited until the very last day. I waited until his blood was shed and life was taken. I took it all in stride with my head held high. All I did was prolong the inevitable. God gave me another quick blunt lesson. We'd never last. And that, we did not.

This time was the scariest time in my life because I cannot explain why I did any of it. Concluding that it wasn't for love has always been a lingering thought. Love doesn't hurt. Love isn't supposed to be controlling. Love is not jealous. Love is not the lack of trust. Love is not discouragement. Love is not a slap across the face.

Why did I do it? I was young, impulsive, up for any challenge, stupid, obligated, naive. Never again will I accept another ring and say "yes" until I really know and love this other person and they love me back. Never again will I put on that beautiful Wedding Dress just because it was the most beautiful dress in the world. Never again will I rush down the aisle just because anyone asked me.

I said yes and put on that damn Wedding Dress because I was selfish. I wanted to move onto other stages in my life. I lied to his face when I said I loved him. I didn't know what love was. I wanted to put on that dress and walk down the aisle to prove to myself of how much of a woman I could be. I wanted to show the world that I could do it all.

That dress was beautiful. That dress felt so good on me. That dress can burn in hell. That ring means nothing to me. My words meant nothing. My heart was not fully there. I didn't love him.

In the end I took away a few valuable lessons in life. I learned more about myself than I ever have in the years I've walked this earth. The most obvious lesson is to not say yes just to put on that Wedding Dress. The next man I say yes will be the one. He'll be the one that puts my life to an end to start a new one. He'll be that one to make everything true.