Alone

It's only September, but my mind can't help but ponder what's going to happen this holiday season. I remember last year's holiday season. Nothing but fighting, tears, and heartache. The end of the year is a depressing time. My friends all are trapped with family, even though they seem tortured, I'm secretly jealous. Their families invite me to the family functions too, but it's just not the same.

Mom's been mad at me for the last week or so. Seems as though she's mad at me every week for something else, for as long as I can remember, there's another fight, every week. Mom is my best friend. Mom is Mom. Mom is my enemy.

The nights are long and lonely. I realize that I'm alone. She's bred me this way: to grow up independent and only rely on myself. It's those nights when I know I'm alone I cry myself to sleep. I work for myself. I get good grades for myself. I aim for the highest of stars not caring whether I've left my friends behind or not. Pushing people out of my life because I see them as "competition". I've made myself alone. I've learned to protect myself and always do everything myself. I grew up too fast. I'm sick of everything being just for me.

As bratty as it may sound, I do wish I had someone at home when I come home to just give me a hug. Just a hug.

Mom, why couldn't you just give me a hug when I cried? Why didn't you protect me from the heartache the world put upon me? Why didn't you hold me and tell me everything would be okay after my Kelly died? Why didn't you hold me and protect me from Dad when I needed you most? Why didn't you stay by my side as I cried myself to sleep?

That's all I want at the end of the day. A hug. I can deal with feeling alone every now and then. I don't necessarily live my life just for me, there's others I care for around. The numbers are dwindling, but I'd lay my life down for them in a heart beat.

I'm sitting in my room alone blogging the night away. It's quiet and empty in here. I miss his company a lot. He didn't have to talk...just the company was nice. It's somewhat of a difficult transition from living independently to sharing parts of my life with someone else. I wish I could give him the world and make him happier and make him feel more special.

This entry isn't really going anywhere. It was all so clear in my head, but words can't quite describe how I'm feeling right now.

Good night.